Your marriage has been wrecked by an affair.
From the ruins and ashes caused by the selfish behavior of your cheating wife, a new—and improved—marriage can be born.
But from where you’re presently standing, you may not be able yet to visualize such a thing.
Lets take a glimpse of what the future of your marriage can look like, starting from a clean slate.
The Promise of a Post-Affair Marriage
After your wife has broken your heart and demolished your trust, your vision of your future with this person may be cloudy at best. You question whether you’ll be able to forgive this betrayal or ever be able to look at your wife the same way again.
Your marriage is in its darkest hour. But it doesn’t have to mean you are stuck there. You can move forward and create a marriage that motionally intimate, loving and fulfilling.
An affair, while devastating, can serve a purpose. Everything that has been hidden deep beneath the relationship’s surface can now be dug out and gone over. Whatever was a problem in your marriage should not be ignored now, if you want to save your marriage and rebuild it better than before.
For example, you and your wife may have lapsed into more of a roommate situation than a relationship that could be characterized as lovers. It’s easy to get lazy with a wife. After all, you feel comfortable enough with this person that you don’t feel the need to “win” them.
What happens, over time, is that you may forget to do and say the things that create an intimate environment. You both are comfortably ‘fond’ of one another, but you’ve lost that deeper connection.
This is no excuse for an affair, but some people will claim to have had an affair to get that spark they miss.
The mistake is trying to get it with someone outside of the marriage—the majority of spouses are missing that spark with the person they married, not necessarily really wanting someone new.
Unfortunately, they get themselves caught up in a bad situation that ends up straining the marriage to the breaking point—hardly a means of deepening intimacy and rediscovering any spark.
However, once your wife has come clean about the affair and begins to make amends, and as you work on your varied emotions and heal your wounds, you may begin to consider exactly what it is that you want out of life.
Here are 3 tips to help you save and rebuild your marriage:
Tip #1: Think Long and Hard about YOUR Wants/Needs
Many affair victims despair over the thought that they have sacrificed and given so much of themselves to the marriage. This can take many different forms, but maybe it means you’ve put in more time in child-rearing, or covering the bills, or handling household duties.
For a stronger marriage in which you feel satisfied, think about those areas of your life in which you feel you over-gave, and your wife didn’t step up enough. Now, as you rebuild your marriage, you can recreate it where you don’t fall back into an over-giving pattern. Let your wife know of your longstanding dissatisfaction and ask for his or her cooperation in meeting you partway in those areas where you feel you gave excessively.
Tip #2: Establish Ground Rules
There may have been behaviors on the part of your wife that provided the slippery slope to cheating. Were there nights out with the “guys” or “girls?” How about calls taken in private all the time? Late work nights that involved stops at the local watering hole?
If you feel there were certain behaviors that were the perfect set-up for your spouse to cheat, make it a ground rule that in order to save and rebuild the marriage, this behavior can no longer be tolerated.
Tip #3: Plan a Solid Future
Many couples forget to make plans and dream together. Marriage can quickly devolve into managing the drudgery of life. When was the last time you and your wife made time together for simple fun? It doesn’t have to be extravagant trips to exotic locales—maybe you go and see a band play in a local pub. Or, you work on a landscaping project together so you can have access to a pleasant environment for winding down after work and on the weekends.
Planning activities together strengthens your marriage bond. It’s a way to deepen intimacy so you’ll not take one another for granted.
My best to you in healing from the affair and rebuilding your marriage.